A Greater Calling

Since mid-July I’ve been feeling a real tug on my heart to go back to Mexico(read previous post to learn about why I was there and what happened there). I’ve been reading The Shack by WM. Paul Young and the way that Mack describes his fear of the shack is similar to how I feel about Mexico, due to the major event that happened while I was their (a 7.2 earthquake). On page 76 Young wrote,
“He had pushed away any thoughts of the place since Missy’s disappearance, sequestering his emotions securely in the padlocked basement of his own heart. On the long stretch up the Gorge, Mack felt a creeping panic begin to penetrate his consciousness. He had tried to avoid thinking about what he was doing and just keep putting one foot in front of the other, but like grass pushing through concrete, the repressed feelings and fears somehow began to poke through. His eyes darkened and his hands tightened on the steering wheel as he fought the temptation at every off-ramp to turn around and go home. He knew he was driving straight into the center of his pain, the vortex of The Great Sadness that had so diminished his sense of being alive. Flashes of visual memory and stabbing instants of blistering fury now came in waves, attended by the taste of bile and blood in his mouth.”
I won’t go any further than that because the pain is too real (and I don’t want to spoil the book for those of who may not have read it). I’m only to page 106 in the book right now, but so far everything about Mack and his feelings and emotions towards the shack are exactly how I feel about Mexico. There is so much pain and fear bottled up inside of me because of what God allowed to happen there. But maybe if I go back it could heal that hurt, by going back to “the vortex of the great sadness”. Since Mexico, I just don’t feel the same kind of joy I felt before because I have too much hurt inside of me to allow myself to feel more than a few small, short glimpses of joys because I fall right back into those fears.
But I also look at the stories of Moses in the Bible and I think about how God saved his life thousands of times and it was all because God had a greater purpose, a greater plan for his life. And since God saved my life, he must have something greater for me, but I need to face my fears in order to restore my soul and fulfill the plans he has laid out for me.